A stunning blow was struck against the Rumanian branch of International Beaver Club.
This writer, a charter member of that high-minded and purposeful world order, hereby lifts his voice in a quavering treble of protest against the Rumanian government edict which calls for the ruthless destruction of those great national forest preserves on the faces of its male citizens.
Maybe you have never been a Beaver Boy. In that case you may be interested in a brief review of its aims and activities.
The primary purpose of all Beaverites — who, incidentally, never travel alone, but always at least in pairs—is to find a good hunting ground.
Hester street isn’t bad, but in recent years the stock has become somewhat depleted in that neighborhood. A congress of Greek Orthodox clergymen is good. A House of David gathering is a positive Beavers’ paradise.
Two Beaver Clubmen are walking side by side along any street. A man who looks at the world from behind a well-defined O-Cedar mop looms up over the horizon.
“Beaver!” cries the more observant of the two, and plants a carefully aimed toe in the middorsal of his companion.
If recipient is a fellow convert to Beaverism, all is well, and he patiently awaits his opportunity to retaliate in kind. If the tenets of the order are an unprobed mystery to him, he is likely to resort to foul play in the form of unrestrained mayhem without benefit of beard.
Now along comes the Rumanian government, which always has been a kill-joy, and attempts to cut off all this good, clean fun with one fell stroke of the razor.
We Beaver fratres won’t take this outrage lying down. We represent a substantial and influential portion of any community and we’re prepared to fight for our existence in Rumania, or any other country, to the last drop of shaving cream.
Most bearded of all Rumanians, to the best of our knowledge, is Alexander Cuza, leader of the anti-Semite block in the Rumanian parliament.
Now while it could well be a pleasure to see Alex shaven, we refuse to allow our personal whims to interfere with the principles underlying the cause for which we stand.
Alex, the Beaver Boys, Jews and non-Jews alike, will rally behind you. Beaverism knows no political alliances, no creed, no prejudice of any kind. So far as we are concerned, every hair in that brush of yours is sacred.
Like all kill-joys, the Rumanian government is prepared to use force in the execution of its latest edict. If the mattress stuffing is not missing from the Rumanian face within a week, says the official order, it will be confiscated.
That’s a nice way to talk now, isn’t it! Listen here, Rumania, you can’t get away with that stuff.
Be sensible. View this thing in its international aspects. There are approximately 16,000,000 Jews in the world, and this comparative handful of people has succeeded, through use of the boycott, in bringing Germany to its economic knees.
Just imagine what would happen to YOU, then, if all we Beavers should get together and refuse to do business with you. The thought is stupendous in its implications. You wouldn’t stand the ghost of a chance.
Tell you what we’ll do. We’ll compromise. We’ll give you Cuza, provided you promise to tweak the hairs out of his windshield wiper one by one, instead of shaving them off.
No fair using razors, though. We insist on standing behind Alex up to that point, at least. We want Alex to be dignified in his martyrdom, else his name would be useless for the purposes of a Beaver Battle Hymn. A tweaked Alex would make a worthy subject for a Beaver Alex Cuza Lied. A singed Alex would merit a small monument in some not-too-prominent spot. A lawn-mowed Alex could be commemorated in small buttons, to be worn under the lapel. But a shaven Alex? No! That would never do!
If you really insist on getting nasty about this thing, Rumania, we’ll fight fire with fire. We’ll start a world movement for the rapine of toothbrush mustaches. What good did a toothbrush mustache ever do a Beaver Boy, anyway?
A. J. B.
The Archive of the Jewish Telegraphic Agency includes articles published from 1923 to 2008. Archive stories reflect the journalistic standards and practices of the time they were published.
