(During Yom Kippur, which begins tonight, Jews gather in synagogues to recite a lengthy confession of sins known as the “Al Chet.” A rumor we just made up suggests that Donald Trump’s Jewish son-in-law and close adviser, Jared Kushner, has written a special “Al Chet” for the Republican candidate in case he decides to make a campaign stop at a synagogue. The text appears below.)
For the sin which we have committed before You under duress or willingly.
And for the sin which we have committed by hardening our hearts.
For the sin which we have committed with an utterance of the lips, although sometimes in the heat of debate, and speaking on a multitude of issues, you don’t choose the right words or you say the wrong thing. Or 20 wrong things.
For the sin which we have committed with immorality, and believe it or not, I regret it. I do regret it. No one has ever regretted the way I regret.
And for the sin which we have committed through speech, even when it’s just words, folks. It is just words.
For the sin which we have committed by lewdness, even for videos taken 11 years ago, when I was still a callow late-middle aged man. Besides, Bill Clinton.
And for the sin which we have committed by improper thoughts, although I’ll tell you what’s really improper. ISIS is really improper, and Hillary and her kind have had 30 years to take care of that and did nothing. Zero.
For the sin which we have committed by impurity of speech. Again, ISIS.
And for the sin which we have committed by deceiving a fellow person — where did you get this?
For the sin which we have committed by evil talk about another, except if you are talking about Rosie O’Donnell, because everybody would agree that she deserves it and nobody feels sorry for her.
And for the sin which we have committed by false denial and lying, except when the facts aren’t known because the media won’t report on them.
For the sin which we have committed by scoffing. (Sniff.)
And for the sin which we have committed in business dealings, which makes me smart.
For the sin which we have committed by a haughty demeanor. I have the best demeanor. Hillary Clinton is the haughtiest. She has haughtiness in her heart.
And for the sin which we have committed by foolish talk. This again? We are losing our jobs, we’re less safe than ever, and Washington is totally broken. I am not the person I was 11 years ago or even yesterday, although if I had been president, Ned Stark would be alive right now. You know what I mean.
For all these, God of pardon, pardon us, forgive us, atone for us. And knock the hell out of ISIS.
