Seen As Bad Influence, Torah Reading Banned


New York—The Union for Reconstructing Judaism announced today that it is banning the reading of the Torah in temples, Hebrew schools and summer camps in sympathy with the #WeToo Movement.

Rabbi Tate N. Bonkes, president of the organization, declared, “The Bible is rife with men behaving in inappropriate sexual ways. It’s not a book we can recommend, especially in today’s politically correct climate.”

“Who wrote this stuff?! Enough is enough.”

Bonkes noted several examples of “shameful Biblical incidents,” including “Onan pleasuring himself instead of satisfying his widowed sister-in-law; Jacob taking the wrong woman home on his wedding night; Judah impregnating his daughter-in-law, thinking she was a hooker; and King David arranging a husband’s death so he could take the wife.”

The rabbi exclaimed, “Who wrote this stuff?! Enough is enough.”

After removing offending passages, the union will publish a volume of the Torah entitled “The One-And-A-Half Books of Moses.”

Happy Purim! To read the full Purim edition click here.