Jerusalem—Faced with a growing scandal and the possibility of an indictment, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has struck a deal with his American friend and ally, President Donald J. Trump, to switch jobs.
“It’s a win-win,” said Netanyahu. “The American people like me a whole lot more than the Israelis do. And I stay out of jail.”
The embattled Israeli leader noted admiringly that he has adopted President Trump’s “fake news” assaults on the media and sharp criticism of the judicial system and law agencies.
“Donald is a master at downgrading democracy and I learn from him every day,” he said.
President Trump, who also faces enormous backlash from critics in America, was more than happy to flip positions with Netanyahu. “They love me in Israel, especially after I announced the decision to move the American embassy to Jerusalem,” said Trump at the White House. “Jared’s going to teach me how to speak Hebrew. I already know that thing men cover their head with… It’s called a halvah. And I don’t have to deal with that phony Russian election meddling issue anymore.”
“Bibi is amazing,” Trump said. “Terrific. Good speaker. Speaks sentences even longer than this one. And his make sense. Amazing. Terrific guy. Great cigars.”
He added that he admires the Israeli political system that has no term limits for elected officials. “We’ve been looking into that here in Washington,” Trump said. “Great idea. Amazing. Glad to step into it in Israel.”
“Donald steps into it all the time,” observed a somber First Lady Insomnia Trump, who stood at a distance from her husband.
Trump said his first act as prime minister would be to build a wall separating much of Israel from the Palestinians. When told that such a wall had already been built, he replied immediately, “Well, we’ll build a wall Jews could pray at in Jerusalem.”
When told that such a wall has been around for many centuries, he pledged to renovate it and send the bill to the Romans.
With trade restrictions relaxed between America and Cuba, Netanyahu should have an easy time obtaining fine Cuban cigars in his new position as president of the United States. And Trump won’t have to worry about releasing his past tax returns anymore. “No one cares about that stuff in Israel,” said Trump.
“I also have a new slogan, if I ever have to run for office again” said the Donald. “It will be ‘Make Israel One-State Again.’”
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As for Netanyahu, he said he has always preferred living in the U.S., though he regrets that his move to Washington could break the string of Israeli leaders who end up in Israeli jails. President Moshe Katsav was sentenced for rape, and Prime Minister Ehud Olmert did time for corruption.
“In Israel, it can be confusing when politicians are asked their cell numbers,” Netanyahu quipped.
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