Trump Expands Brand Here And In Israel


Jerusalem —Israelis woke up Purim morning to discover that the Western Wall here now bears the name TRUMP KOTEL in giant gold letters resting atop the ancient stone.

In a secret deal signed last week, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu sold the historic limestone wall, a 2,000-year-old remnant of the Second Temple in Jerusalem, to U.S. President Donald Trump in exchange for the American Embassy being moved from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

“Every Israeli knows that Jerusalem is the true capital of our nation, despite what other countries may claim,” Netanyahu declared at a hastily arranged press conference. “The relocation of the American Embassy to the Holy City sends a clear message to the world: Israel cannot be bought…unless it’s by Donald Trump.”

President Trump, elaborating on the agreement in a presidential tweet, said he plans to build a 60-story hotel about the wall. “It will be called the Trump Kotel Hotel,” he said, “and it will be huge—a huge convenience for tourists in Israel who wish to view this bigly sacred site, all done in good taste.”

The president said that visitors will be charged a “personal plea fee” to stuff their notes and prayers into the crevices of the ancient wall, which will be renovated so that they can accept all major credit cards for payment. “There’s no conflict of interest because my sons Eric and Don – or Don and Eric, whatever – will profit, not me.” He added that he “worked it all out” with his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, “so it’s all kosher.”

The President said the Trump Kotel would also put an end to the ongoing debate about women praying at the holy site. “I’ll build a wall between the women and the men,” Trump vowed, “and the women will pay for it.”

Trump also unveiled plans for the renovation of Mt. Rushmore, the iconic sculpture carved into the mountain in the Black Hills of South Dakota, which presently features George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln.

One artist’s rendition shows Trump replacing Roosevelt. “He never did anything anyway except ride around like a fat clown and carry a big stick,” Trump said. “Great American. True hero.”

The other drawing shows Trump, wife Melania (“classy broad,” the president noted), daughter Ivanka (“quite the Jewess, right?”) and son-in-law Jared (“fine lad, love the dimples”) in lieu of the four earlier presidents. (“Yeah, they’re fired. The past is history. Who’s gonna notice?”)

“It’s part of my infrastructure plan. Lots of new jobs. Everybody happy. And if Congress won’t pay for it, I will,” Trump asserted. “Charge it to Don or Eric. Either one. It’s going to be huge.”