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The Bulletin’s Day Book

Careful students of the metropolitan press as we of this department are, our eagle eyes never fail to spot the little news items announcing the formation of another group to uphold the good old American Constitution by kicking out all “alien influences.”

We have read so many of these charming bits of information that we’ve decided to digest them all and compound the perfect American Fascist outfit from them. So here you have it, cut to measure and guaranteed to fit any dictatorminded rugged individualist.

First, you must have a fancy name, with youth, punch and color. So we chose one like the “Juvenile (that’s youth) Lavender and Pink Shirted (that’s the color—no, we don’t draw any color line, in shirts, at any rate) Pugs (that’s where the punch comes in).” A good name that.

Then you have to make a statement of principle. The Juvenile Lavender and Pink Shirted Pugs are wholly American, you must insist. They live only in hope that they can go out on the battlefield or in the gutter and die for the principles of liberty, equality and fraternity under a dictator. And God save the American Constitution. That’s your battle cry.

At about this time you start mumbling some words about honesty in government and the dirty bankers and whatnot. Then you crown your whole statement of policy with a punch line, something like this: “America for the Americans.” That’s original. That usually panics the suckers. And you follow up with a “Down with Jew-government!” That will have them rolling in the aisles. It’s all part of your idealistic Americanism act.

Then if you’re the leader, you start preparing your answers to the questions that inquisitive reporters are pretty sure to ask you. “What about the Jews?” they’ll say. And you’ll answer, quick as a flash and with a startling originality of thought, “Some of my best friends are Jews.” And while they’re scribbling that down, you follow up with, “Of course, there’s a difference between good and bad Jews. If the good Jews are nice and don’t butt in and keep entirely apart from the rest of the world, we won’t hold a thing against them. But boy, will we go after the bad Jews!”

Then, while the reporters are preparing to leave, after the interview is over, you shout for them, “And if anybody doesn’t like it here, let him go back where he came from.”

That usually calls for a blackout. If you’re the leader, you’ll come up against that too. Most Fuehrers do, finally, go back to where they came from—into the realm of anonymity and oblivion, where they belong. D. B.

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