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The Bulletin’s Day Book

Up at crack of dawn and stepped over rug at bedside when noticed small six-pointed star worked into design in one corner. Memo: Must remember to give rug to garbage man. Second memo: Must remember to write to Mayor LaGuardia asking for new garbage man, because distinctly remember seeing herring carcass in his truck one morning this week.

Strolled into bathroom for morning ablutions. Slipped on cake of soap which somehow had gotten on floor and nearly broke neck. Something very odd about this. Must get hold of list of officers of soap company. Recall reading Terence McGillicudy is company president. Must look into McGillicudy ancestry. Memo: Read up on possibilities as to what happened to Lost Tribe.

Was dressing when telephone rang. It was Percy von Schmelbaum. Horrified when Percy disclosed results of surveys he has just had made on cotton, woolen and silk industries. Nothing left but to join nudist colony.

Decided to take immediate steps in this direction and telephoned representatives of five such groups. While waiting for them to arrive, draped morning newspaper around thighs. Was just sinking into sofa with sigh of relief when made most frightful discovery.

Paper was New York Times!

Life becoming unbearable. Started to eat breakfast but was forced to abandon efforts to take food when grapefruit squirted into both eyes at once and caused temporary blindness.

Have frequently had grapefruit squirt into one eye but never before in both. Can this be coincidence or is it all part of diabolic plot? Hurriedly leafed through Encyclopaedia Britannica and discovered Luther Burbank developed grapefruit by mating orange and lemon.

Eureka! Orange growing one of chief industries in Palestine. This particular grapefruit undoubtedly sired by Palestine-grown orange.

Found self in terrible quandary. Unable to take food and unable to fast, because recollected fasting is one of prime requisites of certain holiday known as Yom Kippur. What to do?

Representatives of nudist colony arrived. Was favorably impressed by one of them, a blond, blue-eyed youth who said his name was Wee von Drest. Decided to leave for his camp immediately.

Found camp charming. Everyone blond-haired, blue-eyed. All names begin with “von.” Slight jarring note crept in when was asked to pay admission fee and was forced to confess was completely broke.

Taken before camp’s proprietor, one Moshe Nitzkowitz. Hair not blond. Eyes not blue.

Mr. Nitzkowitz offered choice between leaving immediately or performing certain unpleasant duties in colony rest rooms.

Decided accept offer of job. Jobs very scare these days. Mr. Nitzkowitz speaks with quaint accent. Undoubtedly an “Aryan.” Must try very hard to please Mr. Nitzkowitz. Jobs AND “Aryans” very scarce these days.

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