The Bulletin’s Day Book

From The New York Times:

Considerable scurrying around on the part of the German Olympic committee in a search for Jewish athletes and prodding of recalcitrant local ‘pure Aryan’ athletic clubs followed the announcement by the chairman of the American Olympic committee that he would arrive here in August to decide whether the United States would participate in the games.”

The scene changes. We find ourselves in the Reich, cloaked with invisibility, able to listen in on telephone conversations and to read telegrams, letters and official documents over Nazi shoulders. Fortunately we are temporarily bereft of the sense of smell.

Here, this one sounds good.

“Hello, that you, Julius? This is Kurt. Say, listen, Julius, can you ship me four Jewish sprinters right away, by fast freight?”

“I don’t know, Kurt. There’s an awful scarcity of Jewish sprinters these days. I know where I can lay my hands on three, but you might have to go somewhere else for the fourth.”

“Well, anyway, #o what you can, will you, Julius? But say, listen, the goods must be perfect. That last batch you sent me was in pretty poor condition. One of them had a double spavin and two or three others had nasty ###e bruises on both feet.”

I’m glad you brought that up, ### because it gives me a chance ### point out that you ordered ### batch on the hoof. You ###ildn’t have done that. It’s ###ing walk from Nuremberg to ### in, you know.”

### know, I know, but that was ###fore this American guy told us he was coming over. This time, though, I’m spending good money ###n freight charges and I expect ###he stuff to be perfect. I don’t want to be spending a fortune on veterinarians. Oh, and by the way, get thoroughbreds if you can. At the very least they must have one full-blooded parent. We have to make a good impression, you know.”

Well, that’s that. Let’s see what this bull-necked Brown Shirt is reading.

“Official communication No. 265A.: It has been called to the attention of this office that storm troopers have been hunting Jewish athletes out of season and without proper game permits.

“This ruthless despoliation of our none-too-plentifully-stocked preserves must stop. We call to your attention the virtual extinction of the American buffalo, due to just such thoughtlessness.

“This office realizes the storm troopers are mischievous and must have their fun, but please for the time being confine your target practice to those Jews who you are certain are not athletes.

“This communication is not to be regarded as an attempt on the part of this office to spoil your fun, but merely a request for cooperation in the face of a national emergency.

“We promise you the open season will be on again after 1936.”

Let’s take a look at this letter to the president of the “Aryan” Carrion Club.

“Dear Friend Willy:

“I hate to ask you to do this, but we are running very low on Jewish fencers and need your help toward getting a couple right away.

“They tell me your territory used to be very productive breeding grounds for Jewish fencers, but in the last year or two you boys, with your practical jokes, have kind of cut down on the crop by using foils with real points to practice on Jews using weapons with blunted ends.

“I got a good laugh when I first heard about that, but the situation is a little different now. We have to put a couple of Jewish fencers on display for this American who’s coming over in August, and I don’t think he’d be willing to recognize the kind that are punched full of foil-holes.

“Now here’s my suggestion: Scout around a little and see if you can find something in this line. I believe there’s an abandoned pig pen behind your club house. You can stable them for the time being, feed them up a bit and get a little flesh on their ribs, and then bring them into Berlin.

“After the American goes back, you’ll have some nice juicy material to practice on, so after all it’ll probably be worth the trouble. Catch on?

“Anything for a laugh, hey kid?”

A. J. B.