Amy Knows Best (parody — kind of)


Today in "Ask Amy," a 7th grade girl wonders how to deal with her best school buddy, a Native American boy who always teases her about being Jewish.

For example, today we were goofing around, and a friend of his said, "What’s going on?" and he said, "She was being Jewish." This really hurt my feelings.

He has said that kind of stuff before, and I hate it when he does it. I have tried to get him to stop. Sometimes when I tell him to stop making fun of me, he says stuff like, "But you make fun of me, too." I don’t make fun of him like that.

Amy Dickinson counsels a direct, polite confrontation:

You can say to him, "I want you to stop making fun of my religion. I don’t make fun of your being a Native American. What you’re doing is mean, and I don’t think you’re really a mean person, so I want you to stop."

Give him another chance to change. And then, depending on what he says or does next, you should definitely take your concern to your mother and to a teacher.

We’re glad the 7th grader went to Amy. We tried to imagine what would have happened had she had solicited advice from some community leaders:

Howard Kohr, AIPAC:

We’ve arranged a six-day tour of Israel for your friend, starting with the intensive "You Are There" 14-hour Yad Vashem immersion and including three hours alone in a room with Ron Nachman. After he rappels down Masada, a passel of Roman Legionnaires in hot pursuit, your friend will never again tease you for being Jewish. In fact, he won’t be able to pronounce "Jewish" again without bursting into tears.

Mort Klein, Zionist Organization of America:

My poor little Bar Kokhba Babushka, we’ve declared your school a hostile environment and we’re suing the sheriff for not placing your principal under house arrest. You’ll be glad to know Rep. Anthony Weiner has just dropped H.R.101 POCAHONTAS (Push Out Cussed And Hostile Overbearing Ninnies Transgressing American Schools) which addresses rampant incitement among Native Americans by conditioning casino outings from Long Island on a permanent Ben Hecht exhibit at the Museum of Native American History.

Jeremy Ben-Ami, J Street:

We’re studying your predicament and hope to have an answer by the time you get your doctorate. Meantime, expect a visit from a genteel, elderly fellow with a Middle European accent, who will shower you with gifts and unsolicited advice and then disappear. Do not acknowledge his existence and he, as his sage and generous wont, will not acknowledge yours.

William Daroff, Jewish Federations of North America:

Please resubmit your request in 140 characters or less.

Phil Weiss, Mondoweiss:

Why are you imposing your hypernationalist narrative of victimization on this magnificent innocent? Stay there, I’m coming right over to hold your arms while he pummels you.

Benjamin Netanyahu:

Your friend constitutes further evidence, if any was needed, of the tsunami of anti-Semitism washing against our shores. We’ll need at least another $10 billion in defense assistance to cope.

Ehud Barak:

Make that $20 billion.

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