(Bravo)
If you’ve clicked over this way hoping to find out what went down on last night’s episode of “Princesses: Long Island,” we regret to inform you you’re out of luck. Not because we didn’t watch it. Sadly, we sat through the whole thing, wasting an hour of our lives in the process. It’s just that, basically, nothing happened.
This week we find the women right where we left them: Seated round the Shabbat table, tears flying like soggy shrapnel as a result of Erica and Casey’s blowout.
While the setting changes throughout this Hamptons-based episode (brunch spot, outdoor bar, nightclub), and a few characters are added (Amanda and her boyfriend Jeff, Erica’s boyfriend Rob, moderately hot random guys…), the plot does not move forward. Casey and Erica stay mad at one another, mostly everybody drinks and cries too much, and while some embarrassing flirting takes place, nobody hooks up.
It’s like watching footage from a long, boring bachelorette party—one punctuated by the cast members’ signature Jewisms and a series of “ew” moments (as in, we involuntarily mutter “ew” while turning our heads away from the TV).
In lieu of a plot summary (because, again, there is none), we have provided you with a list of the cringiest parts. Enjoy, and thank us for sparing you.
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When Erica sobs and smokes simultaneously, which unfortunately happens too often. Someone, please tell the woman that this isn’t the most attractive look for a serious husband hunter such as herself.
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“It’s a kiddish! God bless!” Chanel says, shoving the kiddish cup at Amanda and Jeff. Then: “Jeff, I want you to eat challah for good luck!” Chanel, we Jews have a zillion traditions! Just once, could you use one of them instead of making this stuff up?
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Erica, while rehashing the Casey debacle with Chanel: “Shabbat Shalom and go f*** yourself.” Lovely.
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Amanda and Jeff, poolside, making out and declaring their love for one another. So staged, so gross. Ew!
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While making out and declaring their love for one another we are treated to the sight of Jeff’s butt crack. Double ew!
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“I love you mama,” Jeff says, to which Amanda replies, “I love you Dada.” Triple Ew!
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Chanel fakes an English accent while trying to pick up a guy who walks by the table at which the ladies are brunching.
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Erica, when Rob finally shows up: “I feel like Rapunzel locked in a tower and Rob is a white knight in a Mercedes coming to my rescue.”
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Chanel asks another potential hook-up if he’s Jewish. “It’s okay, you’ll convert,” she tells him when he says no.
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Erica, bonding with Amanda in the luxury SUV they are taking to a nightclub: “Me and Amanda might have been birthed in different vaginas, but we’re the same person.”
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At the club, Erica busts out a string of non-sequitur Jewisms, including, “Shabbat shalom,” “baruch Hashem,” and “hava nagila.”
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Returning home from the club, Ashlee holds up a challah and says, halfheartedly, “Let’s break this challah and then say cheers or whatever.” Hmm, a producer-planted prop to pump up the Jewish angle? No, something like that would never happen on Bravo.
Yep, that sums up the stuff that managed to capture our attention for a minute here and there. But don’t lose hope people, there’s still a small chance this show will provide us with at least a sliver of entertainment. Coming up next week: The princesses visit a Jewish singles sleepaway camp.
